I haven't written in almost a year, so I thought I'd better write something....... Something

Well . school has been good, i missed my friends sooo much! but despite all of this im still glad its friday. no more early mornings, or pissy people to deal with, at least till monday. my holidays were amazing... boring and i was somewhat ill, but they were still fantasmical. cant wait till this summer!

over the holiday i had thrilling trip to the hospital. you see... i started getting really sick, and my mom freaked cause she believed i had conjestive heart failure due to an abnormal ekg. so she took me to the hospital, and while laying there i stopped breathing... my fingers turned blue and i was ice cold then to make it all worse the alarm on the moniter started going off cause it couldnt detect my heart beat and it thought i died. yet no one came to check on me, or save me or anything. then they gave me this medicine and i had a reallly bad reaction, i started flipping out, i ripped all my clothes off, and all of my heart moniters off, i pulled my i.v. out and i started screaming at the top of my lungs... but no, no one came. not a single person came. i guess the moral to this story is... dont go to sarasota memorial hospital!

The world is falling apart and i am falling along with it. through the cracks i slip deeper and deeper, though i can no longer see the light a ray of hope is shining down on me. between feelings of terror and abandonment, i feel a warmth surround me and know that i am not alone. to those of you who sitck around through dark times. thank you. i will forever be here to shine on you when you need help finding your way.

so numb

i am so numb inside... i am not happy and i am not sad. i have absoloutly no feelings right now, i am guilty and ashamed but i cant feel any of it.
why is life so difficult, and so random, so unexpected, and surprising. So many journals filled with pages of things i want so desperatly to say, yet when the time comes i go numb, and die inside, because i realize what i have lost, and i miss it so dearly that i can hardly stand to breath it hurts so bad. The only thing that truly makes it better is to not be alone, to be with him, but even then im filled with lonelyness, its only when we touch that i truely feel that i am with him again, and it is those seldom moments that i live for.